TWH of TSP in 3000 WOL
by Baroness Emma
Summary: Full title - "The Whole History of The Scarlet Pimpernel in 3000 Words or Less" - a lineup of drabbles for every book in Orczy's SP series. Comedy, in case you were wondering. Well, that pretty much says it all. . . Warning: Spoilers


**A/N** Affectionately dedicated to Sherlockian Girl and everyone else who wanted more after reading "Lord Tony and the Princess Snide". Well, here's the whole SP timeline, folks. Can't ask for more than that.

* * *

**The Whole History of The Scarlet Pimpernel in 3000 Words or Less**

_In the beginning. . ._

**The Laughing Cavalier**

**Diogenes** - "I am a brave but very poor person who looks very good in lace!"

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Oooo, you're cute."

**Nicolaes Beresteyn** - "I'm a traitor."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "But I still love you, brother."

**Lord Stoutenburg** - "I'm a bad guy, and I want you, Gilda."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Eww."

**Diogenes** - "I will kidnap you to save you and get into a very long and strange dither about it and then do something stupid and get captured but then will save the day."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**The First Sir Percy**

**Diogenes** - "I'm rich now and my name is Percy."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Yep, still cute."

**Diogenes** - "Good, 'cause we're married."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Kiss me, fool."

**Diogenes** - "I can't. I have to take care of my sick friend."

**Nicolaes Beresteyn** - "I'm still a traitor."

**Lord Stoutenburg** - "Good, 'cause I'm still a bad guy, and I still want Gilda."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "This is bad. . ."

**Diogenes** - "And it gets worse because I run around doing heroic stuff without you for a while and then I pretend to be a blind and drunken dork."

**Lord Stoutenburg** - "Ain't life a bitch?"

**Diogenes** - "Yeah, but I get the girl and save the day."

**Gilda Beresteyn** - "Just kiss me, please."

* * *

_A hundred years later. . ._

**The Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in lace!"

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Idiot"

**Chauvelin** - "Ooo, I see a chance to be a control freak. Find the elusive but very heroic Scarlet Pimpernel!"

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "NO!"

**Chauvelin** - "M'kay, I'll kill your brother."

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Here's all I know. . ." *sobs*

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "What's wrong m'dear?"

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Heh. Wouldn't you like to know? . ." *leaves*

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I smell trouble. I'm the Scarlet Pimpernel, so I must save the day." *leaves*

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "My hubby is gone and here is his ring and he went in the direction of France and he has French maps, so he must be the Scarlet Pimpernel!"

**Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** - "Duh."

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Oh, woe is me!"

**Chauvelin** - "I have a control freakish Fiendish Plot! Hehehehehe."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Don't worry, I will save the day!"

**Chauvelin** - "I have been foiled! Drat!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Ain't I cute, Margot?"

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**Sir Percy Leads the Band**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in disguise!"

**Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** - "We knew that."

**French People** - "Kill the king!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will save the day!"

**St. John Devinne** - "I'm a traitor."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "M'kay, I will still save the day!"

**Chauvelin** - "I have a Fiendish Plot! Hehehehehe."

**French People** - "Kill the aristos!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Oooh, look! I saved the day!"

**Chauvelin** - "Drat."

**St. John Devinne** - "I hate myself now."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel **

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** - "WOOT! We get our own book!"

**Lord Kulmstead** - "I'm a traitor."

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** - "You're only in one story though, so you don't matter."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in disguise!"

**Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** - "Again?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Yes. Every time."

**Lord Antony Dewhurst** - "EVERY time?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Yes. I am the hero."

**Marat** - "I'm a bad guy."

**Foucquier-Tinville** - "So am I!"

**Bibot** - "Me too."

**Chauvelin** - "And I have Fiendish Plots."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Which I have already foiled."

**Chauvelin** - "Drat."

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** - "But. . . We thought this was going to be _our_ book. . ."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**I Will Repay! **

**Juliette** - "I have to get revenge on Paul Deroulede."

**Paul Deroulede** - "Hey! You're kinda cute."

**Juliette** - "Yeah, you are too. I must kill you, though."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Oh, I love saving people in love!"

**Paul Deroulede** - "How are you going to do that?

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I'll just whistle up a mob, and then take you to England."

**Paul Deroulede** - "Huh? But she hates my guts, so I will just die of sorrow."

**Juliette** - "Yeah, that sounds like fun, I think I'll do that too. . . I love you Paul."

**Paul Deroulede** - "Wait. . . you do?"

**Juliette** - "Yes."

**Paul Deroulede** - "WOOT!"

**Juliette** - "Kiss me, fool."

**Everyone Else in the Story** - "I'm confused."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "That will not stop me from saving the day!"

**Everyone Else in the Story** - "WOOT!"

* * *

_A few days later. . ._

**The Elusive Pimpernel**

**Paul Deroulede** - "Hey! Do we get another story?"

**Juliette** - "No, we're just pawns."

**Marguerite** - "Can I be a pawn too?"

**Chauvelin** - "Sure, be my guest."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I see you have a very wily and fiendish sort of Fiendish Plot. . ."

**Chauvelin** - "Yes, I am very proud of it."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "May I foil it?"

**Chauvelin** - "Sure, be my guest."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Wow, that was easy. . ."

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_Several months later. . ._

**Eldorado**

**Louis Capet** - "Wa!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "We must save the poor child. Help me Armand!"

**Armand** - "But I can't, I'm all moony eyed over a girl."

**Jeanne** - "That's me!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Help me anyway."

**Armand** - "No one understands me. . ."

**Chauvelin** - "Oooo, a chance for my Fiendish Plot to actually work! Help _me_, Armand."

**Armand** - "Ok. . . wait. . . I'm a traitor? When did that happen?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I have to go get captured now. . ."

**Armand** - "This is bad."

**Marguerite** - "I still love you brother, but my heart is broken."

**Chauvelin** - "WOOT!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "But then I save the day."

**Chauvelin** - "Drat."

**Marguerite** - "At least I don't have to worry about being a widow. . . for a few days. . ."

**Armand** - "I hate myself now. . ."

**Jeanne** - "But what about me????"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Don't worry. I will now take this time to teach Armand how to save the day."

**Marguerite Blakeney** - "WILL YOU JUST KISS ME ALREADY?????"

* * *

_An indeterminate amount of time later. . ._

**Mam'zelle Guillotine**

**Gabrielle Damiens** - "I am a woman with a very sad history. That makes me a villain."

**French People** - "Why?"

**Gabrielle Damiens** - "I CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!!!"

**French People** - "Oh. Run! Hide!"

**French Arisocratic Lady** - "The evil woman has my kids!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will save the day!"

**Marguerite** - "Kiss me, fool.

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "But if I do that, I won't be able to save the day. . ."

**Marguerite** - "Duh, that's the plan."

**Gabrielle Damiens** - "No, the plan is that he is going to come kiss _me_, and I will whip him and call him pet names."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "And that sounds like fun. Watch the kids for me, will you hon?"

**Marguerite** - "Sometimes my life stinks. . ."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "But, sink me! I have saved the day!"

**Gabrielle Damiens** - "And I hate myself now? . . more than before? . . I don't know if I can live with this. . ."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Well, don't bother me, 'cause I'm going home."

**Marguerite** - "Yay! Can _I _whip you now?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**Lord Tony's Wife**

**Lord Antony Dewhurst** - "I get a wife?"

**Yvonne** - "I'm his wife?"

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "Hey, we're just as surprised as you are. . ."

**Carrier** - "I'm a bad guy."

**Chauvelin** - "I was one first"

**Carrier** - "I have a Fiendish Plot."

**Chauvelin** - "I had one first."

**Yvonne** - "Oh woe is me!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will save the day!"

**Carrier** - "Drat. I have been foiled."

**Chauvelin** - "Join the club."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "WOOT!"

**Lord Antony Dewhurst** - Wait, don't _I_ get to be the hero this time?

**Yvonne** - "No, you get me."

**Lord Antony Dewhurst** - "Oh."

**Yvonne** - "Kiss me, fool."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I love happy endings."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**The Way of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Josette** - "My life is crumbling around me - help me, Scarlet Pimpernel!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "This has been happening for years, and it's NOW you want my help?"

**Josette** - "I can bat my eyes if you want. . ."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Eh. I'd much rather just save the day."

**Chauvelin** - "I will interfere!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will intervene!"

**Chauvelin** - "I will pretend to be you!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will - . . . wait. . . what?" *goes off into uncontrollable peal of annoying giggling*

**Chauvelin** - "I hate you."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "And thus, I can save the day!"

**Chauvelin** - "Drat."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**Sir Percy Hits Back**

**Fleurette** - "Bibi!"

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "WHO ON EARTH IS "BIBI"?!?!"

**Armand Chauvelin** - "I am. Whoa, I get a first name and a backstory? WOOT!"

**Fleurette** - "Yes, and I love you Bibi, my daddy!"

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "WHAT KIND OF WUSSY NAME IS "BIBI"?!?!"

**Fleurette** - "I'm in trouble, HELP!"

**Armand Chauvelin** - "Hey, don't look at me, kiddo, I'm the villain."

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "THE BARONESS COULDN'T THINK OF ANY NAMES BUT "BIBI" AND "ARMAND"?

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I will save the day! Sorta. . ."

**Armand Chauvelin** - "Whoa, I hate myself now. . ."

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "Serves you right, Bibi Armand Stupid Face."

* * *

_At random times throughout the years. . ._

**Adventures of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Yay! Stories all about me! Finally. . . I tell ya, what some people have to do to get some literary attention. . ."

**Lord Fanshaw** - "I'm a traitor."

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** - "Yeah, but no one can tell you apart from Devinne, so you don't matter.

**Chauvelin** - "I am the evil arch-nemesis, bow to my Fiendish Plots!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "I foil your Fiendish Plots!"

**Chauvelin** - "Drat."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "That was fun."

**Marguerite** - "Please kiss me this time."

* * *

_Several months after every other story. . ._

**The Triumph of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**French People** - "We're tired of Revolution, we're going to Revolt!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Finally people are talking sense. . ."

**Chauvelin** - "But I'm not done with my last Fiendish Plot!"

**Marguerite** - "If I fall for it one more time, will Percy kiss me?"

**Chauvelin** - "Whatever." *goes off into touching monologue on the futility of dreams*

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Excuse me! I'm trying to scarify myself for the greater good here!"

**Chauvelin** - "Scarification is good."

**Theresia Cabarrus** - "Can I play?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Yes, but not with me."

**Chauvelin** - "I'm confused!"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "HAH! THE DAY IS MINE! I now will save my darling Margot!" (but don't touch me, please, sweetie)

**Marguerite** - "Do I EVER get a kiss?"

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Not in the canon. . ."

_**Marguerite**__ - "M'kay, fine, let's step out of canon for a bit. . ."_

_**Sir Percy Blakeney**__ - "Mmmm. Sounds like fun."_

_**Marguerite**__ - "You have no idea."_

*sappy music plays here*

* * *

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. . ._

**A Child of the Revolution**

**Andre Vallon** - "I am a thwarted but very cute and heroic person who goes off to war without my mother's consent, and there I loose my arm to an enemy wielding a shiny pointed object."

**Robespierre** - "Andre, I am your Villain. Come with me and we will rule the universe." *sound of heavy breathing and random deaths from strangulation*

**Andre Vallon** - "Sounds like fun, but now I must go home to get completely misplaced revenge for losing my arm." *waves shiny pointed object in a threatening manner*

**Robed Priest** - "Calm down, my son. Feel the power of the Spirit."

**Andre Vallon** - "Hey look! I can control other people's minds!"

**Andre's Mommy** - "Now I will die in a stupidly lit fire and become a smoking corpse."

**Andre Vallon** - "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There's nothing here for me anymore! Now I have to find non-Platonic female motivation! Do you have any idea how hard that is when your country is in Revolution?"

**Aurore **- Remember me? I was that beautiful recurring vision you had that led you through all you adventures. I'm rich."

**Andre Vallon** - "Heh. You're mine now."

**Aurore **- "I am? Well, it'll take about a decade for me to realize it, but. . . I guess I love you."

**Andre Vallon** - "I know."

**French People** - "Cue the lover's random and obligatory violent separation here."

**Aurore **- "Andre don't! It's a trap!"

**Andre Vallon** - "I am the hero! I'll never turn to the dark side!"

**Charles de Marigny** - "I am a bad guy. Strike me down, I am unarmed. . ."

**Aurore **- "Help me, Scarlet Pimpernel, you're my only remaining hope!

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Wait. . . I'm in this story?"

* * *

_A hundred years later. . ._

**The Pimpernel and Rosemary**

**Rosemary** - "I am soooooo pretty. It is my curse."

**Everyone Else In The Story** - "Being pretty is bad?"

**Rosemary** - "Yes, because I'm also good at everything else but somehow I'm too dumb to see a plot when it happens right in front of me, so even though I'm not blond, people think I am."

**Marguerite** - "That's not bad, it's just formulaic."

**Rosemary** - "HEY! Get out of MY story! Excuse me, I have to go marry the wrong person." *exits*

**Marguerite** - "Been there, done that - tell me if he ever kisses you. . ." *exits*

**Peter Blakeney** - "I have loved her for years." *heavy sigh* "And now she is going to marry someone else, but I am secretly a heroic person, so I will now go through a very long and convoluted plot to prove my love instead of actually saying it at the beginning and preventing everyone's problems in the first place."

**General Naniescu** - "I get to be a very cruel and shrewd villain? WOOT!" *composes Fiendish Plot*

**Jasper Tarkington** - "I am also a bad guy, but apparently no one can tell."

**Rosemary** - "I still love you hubby."

**Everyone In The Story** - "Once upon a time. . . In a far away land. . . There were three people with problems. . .And they lived in a land in Revolution. . . All this has happened before. . . All this will happen again. . . But this time it happened to Rosemary and Peter and Jasper and a country no one really knows anything about. . ."

**Rosemary** - "Wow! A lot of bad stuff just happened!"

**Jasper Tarkington** - "Grr! Argh!" *Dies*

**Peter Blakeney** - "And I have saved the day."

**General Naniescu** - "Drat, foiled again!"

**Rosemary** - "The wrong man I married is dead."

**Peter Blakeney** - "Gonna marry me now?"

**Rosemary** - "Well. . . I have to think about it. . ." *thinks for two years*

**Peter Blakeney** - "Kiss me, fool"

* * *

_At some undisclosed place and time. . ._

**The Scarlet Pimpernel Looks at the World**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Um, I'm writing this story? Why? What's it about, again?"

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "Wine, Women, War, and Winning."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "Oh, yeah, right. So how come no one has read it?"

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "Because you stink at titles."

**Sir Percy Blakeney** - "You sure it isn't because it's boring?

**Entire Orczy Fanbase** - "That too. . ."

* * *

_At this present moment. . ._

**The Life and Exploits of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Baroness Orczy** - "Did I write this? I don't remember writing this. I'm sure I didn't write this."

**"John Blakeney"** - "No mom, you didn't. I wrote it because you left out so much of the story."

**Baroness Orczy** - "But you leave tons of plot holes too. . ."

**Army of Fan Fiction Writers** - "DO NOT FEAR, WE WILL FILL THEM!!!!!"

**Baroness Orczy** - "Okay, fine, I'll write the introduction."

**Army of Fan Fiction Writers** - "WOOOOOOOT!" *opens Word doc excitedly*

* * *

_And the timeline continues. . ._


End file.
